one bourbon, one scotch, one beer...

i've been out of school for almost a month now, but i feel strangely numb.

numb? you say? how so?

well... let's just say i almost would rather go back to school than live out the rest of this summer.

maybe when i see some of those scalawags from school next week for our fumbled together camping trip, their company'll be able to convince me otherwise.

or, ya know, just reinforce the thought. which would be goddamn annoying >.>

there's no place like home

there certainly isn't.... i'm home now for the summer til late august-ish and i can't decide for sure whether this is a good thing or not? O.o i suppose there isn't really an answer, huh? i mean, i love my fam and all and its awesome to be able to chill with them again, but i already miss people from school and just.... *sighhhh*

well. for better for worse, here i am. guess it gives me an excuse to find a job.





riiiiggggghhhhhtttt. like THAT's gonna happen O.o lol what i meant was i guess that gives me an excuse to play more video games, make epic cheesy meatball grilled cheeses and scallop potatoes, longboard/bike til my feet/legs fall off, and ROCK OUT til my eardrums burst X)

University of Terror

((was digging around my stuff and found this uber old short story i wrote like AGES ago. it's from like 2007, so i apologize if it's a bit, ah, amateurish O.o))

"Welcome! Welcome!" I called to them in what I hoped was a cheerful tone while the crowd walked past. "We, as the University of Terror, are more than honored to--AHHHH!!!" I leaped back in surprise as one of the trees lining the walkway crashed down where I'd just been standing. It didn't take me long to spot a couple of hooligans who'd apparently thought it would be just HILARIOUS to chop down said tree and see if I could move out of the way in time. "Ha ha," I said blandly to the one with the chainsaw. "Very funny." All they did, though, was stare blankly back at me.

I sighed, then continued my obligatory speech: "As I was saying, we, as the University of Terror, are more than honored to welcome you to the top school in the country and soon, we hope, the world."

"Isn't that a bit conceited?" a round chunky woman interrupted. "Top school in the world?" Thankfully, her lanky gremlin teenager was getting as embarrassed as I was frustrated, and quickly urged her along before she could prompt me into an argument.

Then I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, counted to three, and opened them again. "As I was saying--OH MY GOD!!"

It was those stupid loggers again.

"What the hell do you think you're DOING?!" The kid next to the guy with the chainsaw was chuckling like a maniac.

"Oh, Edward!" called a skeleton of a lady. "Edward, there you are! What have I told you and Jason about trying to kill people?" I couldn't help but feel a little relieved when the woman said that; maybe there was finally going to be a parent who cared about something other than their child growing up to be a big, bad psychopath running around killing people.

The kid with the chainsaw, apparently Jason since the woman had been addressing the other kid, turned it off and I wondered why the heck he was wearing a hockey mask. Then the mom said, "I don't know how many times I've told you, Edward, that you have to wait until you get your license."

I sighed; but then again, maybe not.

"Sorry, mom," Edward said in a way that was obviously meant as a mock-apology, and suddenly I realized that his hands looked like...well, scissors.

His mom frowned in disappointment, probably not quite recognizing his tone, and said, "Well, come along. I still have to help both you boys unpack since Jason's mother has once again gone MIA on us." Jason stared blatantly at her, and while they started to walk away, he leaned the chainsaw against the stump of the once-tree. Then, me still watching, as he followed Edward and his mother, he unsheathed a menacing machete from a holster strapped from his back.

"Hey!" I yelled after him. "Hey!" It wasn't long, though, before I lost him to the crowd. It also didn't help when someone shoved me from behind, knocking me to the gravel where I laid, too miserable to even bother standing up.

"And what do you want to be when you get your license?" I heard the lady at the door ask the next kid in line.

"I'm gonna kill them in their dreams!" he declared proudly and I imagined the little guy sounded like the type to puff out his chest as he was saying it. "They'll never be able to sleep, and they'll never be able to escape me!"

I decided I should probably stand up before I got fully trampled. When I did and saw the mother of the egotistic boy I nearly fainted; she looked like those women they used to portray on TV as the stay-at-home, 50s moms.

"Come on, Freddy," she said uneasily to her son. "We should go inside now, and--."

Freddy blatantly interrupted his mom to announce to the incoming crowd: "Someday, I'm gonna kill all of you!" The mom sighed and walked inside on her own, probably used to this sort of behavior from her son. Freddy, meanwhile, appeared to be searching the crowd for someone in particular. After a moment, he called, "Hey, Jason! I'll get you too!" before dashing inside to join his mom.

Instantly I remembered the kid with the hockey mask. At first, I was actually afraid for the poor, overweight kid, but then I recalled the tone of his movements when he pulled out that machete and I found myself feeling sorry for Freddy instead.

"Move out the way!" a brutish imp grunted, pushing me to the ground. Again. At this rate, I sensed the beginning of a beautiful friendship between the gravel and I.

"Hey!" I yelled after him, and a vampire stepped on me. "Ow! Damnit!" No one seemed to hear me (surprise, surprise), and eventually I pressed my face into the gravel and laughed at the depression my life seemed to contain more and more of. Oh man, was it going to be a long year.

Eyes O.o

((was bored several days ago and wrote this up. it's from the futuristic tale i'm working on i've mentioned before. in my opinion, the cheesiness at the end is a bit much, but i figured i'd try and get some second opinions...))


It was the eyes mostly--her weakness had always been in their eyes. Vanessa had realized this some time ago, but was just now remembering why she'd loved Seamus' so much.


She could admit, and often had, that Seamus wasn't exactly the most physically attractive guy, with a slight amount of chub around the mid-section, but over time she had once learned to look past that to his broad shoulders, his smile, his eyes.


Yes, it was definitely his eyes that first caught her attention--and how they had caught her!


Technically, they were green, and at first that was all she'd assumed. Then, after their second, or perhaps it was their third, kiss she got a closer look at them and, she pleasantly saw, they were more than simply green. The very edge rim of his irises were a light, tan-ish sort of brown, and then they faded from a yellow-ish green to a bold, bright green around his pupils. In short, they were unexpectedly lovely, and she had to bite her lip and look away before desire overtook reason and left her in a mess.


Back then she hadn't grown more than simply fond of him (and of kissing him), and couldn't think of starting any sort of official relationship with him, although she knew he'd been long ready to do so. Still, though, from then on she couldn't help staring at least a little at his eyes, and then, as things progressed, at him in general.


It took three months after that kiss for him to convince her to leap, and be "his girl".


Indeed, though, it was his eyes that got her to give him a chance, and later why she let herself fall in love with him. Shame she didn't realize that last part until, due to unfortunate circumstances, he gave up on her and left, although, life was unusually cruel like that. And yet, the same Fates who'd separated them had now shoved them back together. Why, you ask? Hmpf. Did it matter?


After he spoke, there followed a bit of a cliche moment, both of them daring the other to make the first move, and each of them afraid to be the one to do it.


Then she leaned back against the kitchen counter, head tilted away at the ground, purposefully avoiding his gaze. "I thought you quit on me. You're the one who left me, remember?"


He smirked. "And you're the one who cheated on me, remember?"


She bit her lip to keep herself from gasping like a stupid damsel. He was always so damn honest with her. Sometimes it was lovely, but other times, like just now, it felt like he'd stabbed her; a double-edged sword, if cliches are your thing.


"I didn't...." She shifted her weight, annoyingly restless. "I didn't mean to hurt you."


"Oh really?" He scoffed. "So...what? You figured you'd just go off and have sex with him and I'd be perfectly okay with it?"

"I didn't--!" She stopped herself, took a figurative deep breath. "I didn't have sex with him. At all."

She hardly finished when he snarled, "Well, you two certainly looked cozy for not having sex."


Now she couldn't help facing him. "That's unfair, and you know it, Seamus." Her tone was getting edgy, she knew, but hell, maybe it was about time she let herself explode. "I had no intention of having sex with him."


"Bullshit, you didn't." He stood, took a step towards her, half-talking with his hands as angered people tend to do. "You really expect me to believe that? After hearing all that hype about how insanely attracted you were to him?"


Her eyes linked with his, and she noticed that in this dim lighting his eyes seemed more empty and more lonely than she remembered. Such raw pain in his eyes--had she really done that to him?


"Didn't you trust me at all?" she said a little softly, the sheer emotion emanating from his eyes calming her anger.


"I did," he said evenly. "I used to until I found you were sharing a bed with him."


She closed her eyes, chaos churning her blood. "You told me you loved me."


He scoffed, taking another step towards her. "What does that have to do with--?"


"Love is about trust, Seamus," she interrupted, simultaneously opening her eyes and then narrowing them as she spoke. "And yet you wouldn't even listen--."


"Because I knew it was just bullshit," he explained. "Vanessa, I really did love you, but I knew it would've been unrealistic to consider anything else."


"To consider what? That maybe I was telling the truth?"


He sighed. "Vanessa, you told me--."


"That what?" she spat. "I was attracted to him?" She paused shortly. "Well, I also told you that I was more attracted to you than I'd ever been to him." He didn't answer that, and she stepped right up into his personal space, as angry people also tend to do. "You remember that?"


His eyes widened a little at the sudden intrusion, then he murmured, "I couldn't let myself be blinded just because I loved you. I just went with the evidence."


"What evidence?" she snapped. "That I happened to fall asleep in he same bed as him? I wasn't even under the covers with him. Or did you forget about that as well? And that I was also fully clothed?!"


He shifted his weight. "Vanessa--."


"Don't you dare," she snarled. Then she poked his chest as she added, "You wrenched me open, you told me to take a leap of faith with you, but you just pushed me off and laughed from the ledge. You broke my heart, you bastard."


"Vanessa," he started as she turned away from him, "I--."


"Just get out," she said, leaning against the sink, eyes closed, suddenly feeling rather fatigued. "Get out of my house."

There she stayed, waiting to hear his departing footsteps, the front door closing behind him, but she heard no such thing. Instead, there was silence for a moment. Then, a gentle whisper near her ear:

"You must remember this
a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh
the fundamental things apply
as time goes by."

Against her better judgment, she found herself wanting to sing along. To keep herself from being an idiot, though, she bit her lip and kept her eyes closed. Also, perhaps it should be noted, what she didn't do was speak up and kick him out of her house as maybe she should've when he failed to obey her command prior. 


"And when two lovers woo
they still say, 'I love you'
on that you can rely
no matter what the future brings
as time goes by."


At this point, he slowly slid his arms around her waist and, for some reason, she didn't flinch, but rather felt like sighing, maybe knowing just how he was manipulating her emotions and simply not caring.


"It's still the same old story
a fight for love and glory
a case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
as time goes by.


Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
as time goes by...."


Almost automatically, she turned, his hands still resting on her waist, and there was another pause where both of them dared the other with their eyes to make the first move, and each of them afraid to do it. And again it was her who spoke first: "You missed a verse."


He smiled, glancing obviously at her mouth. "Did I?"


She nodded as he put her head in his hands and pulled her to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips against his, remembering also why she had once come to love more than just his eyes.

WISDOM OF THE DAY X)

As in the wise of words of the great Nathan Fillion on the vast interwebs of Twitter:
Do something kind for someone today. Then do something sexy for yourself. That's your reward.

Abyss, part II

so over Spring Break i wrote this kind of uber depressing poem that just sort of POURED out of me. if any of you are writers, you'll probably know what i mean by saying that, or even if you aren't writers perhaps... anyway, i leave it open to interpretation, although maybe it is simply obvious...


Oh dear abyss, blackness of my soul,
eating my emotions, leaving me empty--
how can i ever hope to fill you?
what stopper could ever end your powerful pull?
am i doomed to remain this limp, pathetic doll?

but wait--is that a voice i hear?
a voice... whose voice could possibly reach me?
he smiles--perhaps from something i'm not aware i said
or perhaps from merely seeing my face,
his lovely green eyes answering my plea.

oh, dear abyss, darkness of my soul
how quickly you fill with light!
how swiftly the ocean of his arms drowns you!
giddy and naive of such release
i grin and pull his lips towards mine.

he opens his chest, offers his heart to me
and quickly, greedily, i devour it
his love tickling my soul into ecstasy.
then his hand extends, asking for mine
but i hesitate--i cannot do it;
how could i will myself so vulnerable?

his hand waits, patient.

i take a step back, another.
should i run? would he let me?
i must, i must! i cannot sacrifice my heart;
take anything but my heart! anything, anything else!

i turn, i run, i stagger;
is that blood? am i bleeding?
no, i realize, my body shaking,
those are the tears of my weeping heart,
my poor, lonely heart.

oh, dear abyss, curse of my soul!
why must your fear doom me to solitude?
your chains hang tight, having never truly left.
he walks by, heartless, empty
and yes, i know, it was i who carved that ditch in his soul.

but still i stand, unmoving, head hung
unable to take even one last glance at the man i might have loved.