The Stranger, Part II

"I'm Dexter, and I'm...not sure what I am. I just know there's something...dark in me. I hide it. Certainly don't talk about it. But...it's there--always; this...Dark Passenger. And when he's driving I feel...alive, half sick with the thrill, the complete wrongness. I don't fight him. I don't want to. He's all I've got. Nothing else could love me. Not even...especially not me. ...Or is that just a lie the Dark Passenger tells me? Because lately there are these moments when I feel...connected to something else. Someone. And it's like...the mask is slipping... and things, people, that never mattered before are starting to matter. It scares the hell out of me."
-Dexter, season 2 episode 3, "An Inconvenient Truth"

((Youtube video of Dex's speech))

Eyes O.o

((was bored several days ago and wrote this up. it's from the futuristic tale i'm working on i've mentioned before. in my opinion, the cheesiness at the end is a bit much, but i figured i'd try and get some second opinions...))


It was the eyes mostly--her weakness had always been in their eyes. Vanessa had realized this some time ago, but was just now remembering why she'd loved Seamus' so much.


She could admit, and often had, that Seamus wasn't exactly the most physically attractive guy, with a slight amount of chub around the mid-section, but over time she had once learned to look past that to his broad shoulders, his smile, his eyes.


Yes, it was definitely his eyes that first caught her attention--and how they had caught her!


Technically, they were green, and at first that was all she'd assumed. Then, after their second, or perhaps it was their third, kiss she got a closer look at them and, she pleasantly saw, they were more than simply green. The very edge rim of his irises were a light, tan-ish sort of brown, and then they faded from a yellow-ish green to a bold, bright green around his pupils. In short, they were unexpectedly lovely, and she had to bite her lip and look away before desire overtook reason and left her in a mess.


Back then she hadn't grown more than simply fond of him (and of kissing him), and couldn't think of starting any sort of official relationship with him, although she knew he'd been long ready to do so. Still, though, from then on she couldn't help staring at least a little at his eyes, and then, as things progressed, at him in general.


It took three months after that kiss for him to convince her to leap, and be "his girl".


Indeed, though, it was his eyes that got her to give him a chance, and later why she let herself fall in love with him. Shame she didn't realize that last part until, due to unfortunate circumstances, he gave up on her and left, although, life was unusually cruel like that. And yet, the same Fates who'd separated them had now shoved them back together. Why, you ask? Hmpf. Did it matter?


After he spoke, there followed a bit of a cliche moment, both of them daring the other to make the first move, and each of them afraid to be the one to do it.


Then she leaned back against the kitchen counter, head tilted away at the ground, purposefully avoiding his gaze. "I thought you quit on me. You're the one who left me, remember?"


He smirked. "And you're the one who cheated on me, remember?"


She bit her lip to keep herself from gasping like a stupid damsel. He was always so damn honest with her. Sometimes it was lovely, but other times, like just now, it felt like he'd stabbed her; a double-edged sword, if cliches are your thing.


"I didn't...." She shifted her weight, annoyingly restless. "I didn't mean to hurt you."


"Oh really?" He scoffed. "So...what? You figured you'd just go off and have sex with him and I'd be perfectly okay with it?"

"I didn't--!" She stopped herself, took a figurative deep breath. "I didn't have sex with him. At all."

She hardly finished when he snarled, "Well, you two certainly looked cozy for not having sex."


Now she couldn't help facing him. "That's unfair, and you know it, Seamus." Her tone was getting edgy, she knew, but hell, maybe it was about time she let herself explode. "I had no intention of having sex with him."


"Bullshit, you didn't." He stood, took a step towards her, half-talking with his hands as angered people tend to do. "You really expect me to believe that? After hearing all that hype about how insanely attracted you were to him?"


Her eyes linked with his, and she noticed that in this dim lighting his eyes seemed more empty and more lonely than she remembered. Such raw pain in his eyes--had she really done that to him?


"Didn't you trust me at all?" she said a little softly, the sheer emotion emanating from his eyes calming her anger.


"I did," he said evenly. "I used to until I found you were sharing a bed with him."


She closed her eyes, chaos churning her blood. "You told me you loved me."


He scoffed, taking another step towards her. "What does that have to do with--?"


"Love is about trust, Seamus," she interrupted, simultaneously opening her eyes and then narrowing them as she spoke. "And yet you wouldn't even listen--."


"Because I knew it was just bullshit," he explained. "Vanessa, I really did love you, but I knew it would've been unrealistic to consider anything else."


"To consider what? That maybe I was telling the truth?"


He sighed. "Vanessa, you told me--."


"That what?" she spat. "I was attracted to him?" She paused shortly. "Well, I also told you that I was more attracted to you than I'd ever been to him." He didn't answer that, and she stepped right up into his personal space, as angry people also tend to do. "You remember that?"


His eyes widened a little at the sudden intrusion, then he murmured, "I couldn't let myself be blinded just because I loved you. I just went with the evidence."


"What evidence?" she snapped. "That I happened to fall asleep in he same bed as him? I wasn't even under the covers with him. Or did you forget about that as well? And that I was also fully clothed?!"


He shifted his weight. "Vanessa--."


"Don't you dare," she snarled. Then she poked his chest as she added, "You wrenched me open, you told me to take a leap of faith with you, but you just pushed me off and laughed from the ledge. You broke my heart, you bastard."


"Vanessa," he started as she turned away from him, "I--."


"Just get out," she said, leaning against the sink, eyes closed, suddenly feeling rather fatigued. "Get out of my house."

There she stayed, waiting to hear his departing footsteps, the front door closing behind him, but she heard no such thing. Instead, there was silence for a moment. Then, a gentle whisper near her ear:

"You must remember this
a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh
the fundamental things apply
as time goes by."

Against her better judgment, she found herself wanting to sing along. To keep herself from being an idiot, though, she bit her lip and kept her eyes closed. Also, perhaps it should be noted, what she didn't do was speak up and kick him out of her house as maybe she should've when he failed to obey her command prior. 


"And when two lovers woo
they still say, 'I love you'
on that you can rely
no matter what the future brings
as time goes by."


At this point, he slowly slid his arms around her waist and, for some reason, she didn't flinch, but rather felt like sighing, maybe knowing just how he was manipulating her emotions and simply not caring.


"It's still the same old story
a fight for love and glory
a case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
as time goes by.


Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
as time goes by...."


Almost automatically, she turned, his hands still resting on her waist, and there was another pause where both of them dared the other with their eyes to make the first move, and each of them afraid to do it. And again it was her who spoke first: "You missed a verse."


He smiled, glancing obviously at her mouth. "Did I?"


She nodded as he put her head in his hands and pulled her to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips against his, remembering also why she had once come to love more than just his eyes.

Loneliness?

I have become sugarcoated.

I mean, don't get me wrong--I love my friends and my family and all, but... it just feels like recently i've built up this candy wall around me that i only really see when i'm alone.

maybe it's just the snow or some stupid need to question happiness, but i still feel hollow. i'm not even close to being alone and yet... there are still times when i feel really lonely. it's not the sort of lonely i'm used to--the sort that feels like someone's slowly scooping out my insides and i just want to curl up into a ball until maybe i disappear. it's more simple than that now--or rather, perhaps, more complex. all the same, it's a more pensive sort of loneliness. the spacey, staring-blankly-out-the-window sort of loneliness. the kind that makes you want to sigh all the time.

which means... maybe i'm finally starting to fill in that hole in my chest? perhaps. but with what? is it something that can be measured?

whatever it is, i still get the feeling that there's a stubborn part of that hole in me that just won't let go. it's like... i've found the Stranger inside me, all of her except.... her mask. it won't come off. or maybe... maybe i already know what's underneath it. that would explain why i can't bring myself to even try to remove her mask.

...but if it is what i'm thinking of. well. he's long gone. so i should just let go, right? just pull off the damn mask and let myself be happy? and yet, instead we just watch each other, me and my Stranger. it's a shame she knows me all too well.

There needs to be more cute, simple love songs like this. NOW.

(1, 2, 3, 4)

Do you remember when I told you I loved you?

Do you feel that every song is still yours?

Are the words still kept when I fight through the death?

Are you out there searchin for more?

Does the sun still rise when you see me?

Or is every line another remain?

When the notes bring light to the darkest of nights,

when the pictures are beginning to fade

if I could trace the course and open all the doors

would you find your way of what you're looking for?

And before, all the rocks 

found their place on mountaintops

I was made for you, you were made for me.

And you'll run, and you'll hide

the love so strong you'll only find this true

Dreams are fine, but I want you

oh, I want you.

Like the secrets that we keep in the winter

love will be found only in dreams.

Still, you gaze in this heavenly haze

is it as real as you want it to be?

So I know exactly what you are thinking

as the lines turn to evidence play.

As far as you are taking shine from the stars

forever I will be in your stay.

If I could trace the course and open all the doors

would you find your way of what you're looking for?

And before, all the drops

collected on and made the sea

I was made for you, you were made for me.

And you'll run, and you'll hide

Oh, the love so strong you'll only find this true

dreams are fine, but I want you.

And before, the rocks

found their place on mountaintops

I was made for you, you were made for me.

And you'll run (you'll run), and you'll hide (you'll hide)

the love so strong you'll only find this true

dreams are fine, but I want you.

Oh, I want you (3X)

Love

"I'll kiss you in London
love you in France
sunsets in Germany
in Spain we can slow dance."
-Summer Tongues, Anchor&Braille
Youtube link for "Summer Tongues"

What is love anyway? Does anyone know? Attraction? Affection? Where is the line between love and lust? Is there a line? Or more of a gray smudge? All I know is, whatever it could be blooming in my chest, it feels good. Damn, does it feel good.

And who knows? Maybe it'll be able to fill that hole of mine. Or, at the very least, make it less noticeable....