Abyss, part II

so over Spring Break i wrote this kind of uber depressing poem that just sort of POURED out of me. if any of you are writers, you'll probably know what i mean by saying that, or even if you aren't writers perhaps... anyway, i leave it open to interpretation, although maybe it is simply obvious...


Oh dear abyss, blackness of my soul,
eating my emotions, leaving me empty--
how can i ever hope to fill you?
what stopper could ever end your powerful pull?
am i doomed to remain this limp, pathetic doll?

but wait--is that a voice i hear?
a voice... whose voice could possibly reach me?
he smiles--perhaps from something i'm not aware i said
or perhaps from merely seeing my face,
his lovely green eyes answering my plea.

oh, dear abyss, darkness of my soul
how quickly you fill with light!
how swiftly the ocean of his arms drowns you!
giddy and naive of such release
i grin and pull his lips towards mine.

he opens his chest, offers his heart to me
and quickly, greedily, i devour it
his love tickling my soul into ecstasy.
then his hand extends, asking for mine
but i hesitate--i cannot do it;
how could i will myself so vulnerable?

his hand waits, patient.

i take a step back, another.
should i run? would he let me?
i must, i must! i cannot sacrifice my heart;
take anything but my heart! anything, anything else!

i turn, i run, i stagger;
is that blood? am i bleeding?
no, i realize, my body shaking,
those are the tears of my weeping heart,
my poor, lonely heart.

oh, dear abyss, curse of my soul!
why must your fear doom me to solitude?
your chains hang tight, having never truly left.
he walks by, heartless, empty
and yes, i know, it was i who carved that ditch in his soul.

but still i stand, unmoving, head hung
unable to take even one last glance at the man i might have loved.

Loneliness?

I have become sugarcoated.

I mean, don't get me wrong--I love my friends and my family and all, but... it just feels like recently i've built up this candy wall around me that i only really see when i'm alone.

maybe it's just the snow or some stupid need to question happiness, but i still feel hollow. i'm not even close to being alone and yet... there are still times when i feel really lonely. it's not the sort of lonely i'm used to--the sort that feels like someone's slowly scooping out my insides and i just want to curl up into a ball until maybe i disappear. it's more simple than that now--or rather, perhaps, more complex. all the same, it's a more pensive sort of loneliness. the spacey, staring-blankly-out-the-window sort of loneliness. the kind that makes you want to sigh all the time.

which means... maybe i'm finally starting to fill in that hole in my chest? perhaps. but with what? is it something that can be measured?

whatever it is, i still get the feeling that there's a stubborn part of that hole in me that just won't let go. it's like... i've found the Stranger inside me, all of her except.... her mask. it won't come off. or maybe... maybe i already know what's underneath it. that would explain why i can't bring myself to even try to remove her mask.

...but if it is what i'm thinking of. well. he's long gone. so i should just let go, right? just pull off the damn mask and let myself be happy? and yet, instead we just watch each other, me and my Stranger. it's a shame she knows me all too well.