started a journal today...

heh. me and my journal have a bit of a sporadic relationship. it could be weeks, months, a year since my last entry but all of a sudden i just get this urge to purge my thoughts onto the page. most of the time, not all of it makes its way out, and not in the order i'd thought, but most of it does anyway, and i guess that's the point of a journal, huh? (theoretically) it's not supposed to be for anyone else to read anyway. just you.

and yet.... most times when i do write in a journal i find that the tone of my writing is clearly meant to be read for someone else. who? i have no idea. but maybe that's not the point. maybe i just want to share my thoughts with someone, but don't know who, so i write a journal entry until i can figure out to share it with? idk. just a theory.

although.... i suppose i may have found someone i could share my thoughts with. or. i thought i could. i used to be able to anyway, back when i used to just let my mouth say whatever 'cause i didn't care what he thought of me anyway. except now i do care... a lot. he's probably the one i care the most of what he thinks of me.... and i don't think i could take such a risk as letting him (or rather, throwing him) into the deepest dregs of my thoughts. i know some parts that would definitely make him smile, but what if he read the rest of it and just thought worse of me? or, even worse, what if he decided he didn't care about me anymore? what if he decided that i wasn't worth it? could i take that risk?

no. but could anyone?

ugh.... i just.... goddamnit god why couldn't you make people telepathic?