"Well we all have a face
That we hide away forever
And we take them out and show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
And we take them out and show ourselves
When everyone has gone
Some are satin some are steel
Some are silk and some are leather
They're the faces of the stranger
But we love to try them on."
-"The Stranger", Billy Joel
As of recently, I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting; turning over and over again these thoughts of who I am, who I'm becoming; thinking about Sartre's theories on Existentialism, on how our actions, not our intentions, are what make us who we are, and if so than what of the choices I've made? I keep tilting towards dangerously depressed, then switching towards blankly pensive.
I tell myself I want to change the world, but what really can I do? I want to be remembered, but with history everyone is eventually forgotten. Still, though, this urge won't quell, not even slightly, hence the depression.
Then I change to thinking what's so great about me anyway? Why should people remember me? And really, honestly, there isn't a reason.
To be honest, I don't even know who I am--sure I'm only 19 years old and all that, but I don't even have much of an inkling. I may have my emotions, my memories, my actions, and all that, but it's like that hole I mentioned in my first entry is some key part of finding out who I am. I suppose, though, as a start, I could try unmasking the stranger inside me, lurking deep in that hole in my chest, that stranger who appears so seldom and yet so fiercely.
Everybody has the ability to change the world! You just have to do something!
ReplyDeleteCliché, no?
Intentions, are thoughts, we think thoughts, thinking is an action, albeit a very subtle one. Everything we do is an action. Intentions both precede and are byproducts of our actions. If we do not have intentions, thoughts or desires, how can we produce action? Without action how can we show to others, and ourselves our intentions, desires, and thoughts? Perhaps the two go more hand in hand than anything else.
Like Beowulf, we all want to be remembered for something, be it in text, on the battlefield, or even in a small niche on the internet. History is a lot like sand on a beach, we all walk across it, leaving some sort of impression. We feel that connection as our bare feet touch the sands of time, yes it can be hot, it can be gritty and it can collect in places where it shouldn't. But when we leave the beach, we take some of that sand home with us. Yes the tide will come and wash away the footprints but what we take away, even if its a tiny grain, will always stick with us. I like to think of it more as not what you leave behind, but more like what you take with you is what counts.
and the whole 'there isn't a reason' thing really gets to me, I mean c'mon, there are a million reasons, your talent with the pen, how you can always find a balance in most situations, and how even in most straining of situations you can look like you can still handle your own...need I go on? Making impressions upon people is like the butterfly effect, even the smallest flutter of a wing can make an impression that will be remembered forever, sometimes we just don't see it, but know those impressions, and those memories placed are there, in you, me, and many others.
It can be a real bother when we can't see the best path in life, the one that is Anouk's path. Hell, I can't even find my own path. There's so many out there, narrow, paved, dirt, and winding paths that can take us anywhere, and some that can take us nowhere. This is a time in our lives where we just have to jump on a path that looks good and give it a try. All of these paths also have branches that connect to other paths, so it's not like you have to stay on the one you've chosen.
That hole you have, is a hole we all commonly have. With every hole, each one has a unique shape, depth and breadth. finding that one thing to fill it can be a arduous task, but at the same time, it's there to give us something to go after, something to seek.
And perhaps that stranger you have deep inside that hole needs to come out. It sounds like you have a tendency to push that stranger away, even when it has good intentions. Connect with that stranger inside, unmask it, learn about it. Perhaps, the stranger inside will give you a much needed hint or clue that will unravel the mystery of the hole that needs filling.
This is a time where we can bare our souls to the cold winds of reality. Sure, you might get a little frost-nip from the cold, but a little risk never hurts, right?
If you take nothing away from what I say, then just realize that what you're feeling, right now isn't going to destroy you, it can only make you stronger in the end. Sure, it may sound like a cop out more than anything but it's the truth.
You’ll find your way, I know you will.
And you know you will too.
heh. well, i warn you, my "stranger's" already well on her way out.
ReplyDeletealbeit slowly.
but it's a start.